kids these days

Browsing through magazines in Border's today, I was struck by the cover story for the most recent issue of the Atlantic: How to Land your kid in Therapy, by Lori Gottlieb.  The gist of the article is that modern parenting paradigm that places emphasis on protecting the self-esteem children above all other things is ultimately producing dysfunctional kids.  Children who are told they're good at everything, that have all of their problems quickly resolved by doting parents, that grow up without ever really hearing the word "no" will one day leave the nest and be forced to cope with the brutal facts of reality.  Life is populated with disappointments, unexpected challenges, and less-than-ideal situations.  Even someone with a relatively frictionless life that is fairly well-off in objective terms might find their life wanting when compared to the impossible standard of self-worth created by a few decades of relentless coddling and praise.

The article resonated with me; particularly so because it reflects some of my own thoughts and observations about cultural differences between America and West Africa.  During my first few weeks back in the States, I was struck time and again by the unbelievable sense of entitlement American kids manifest.  After a few weeks of casual observation, nearly every young child I encountered started more or less every sentence with "I want", "My", or No!"  I've watched American parents attempt to negotiate with four-year-old children who aren't susceptible to reason and who are inevitably more persistent, and who thus always get what they want.  I have seen parents in Burkina Faso who, faced with the same situation provided their kids with a firm, inflexible "No;" the kids were momentarily disappointed, but found alternative ways to amuse themselves with relative ease.

Living in America, one could get the impression that self-absorption and excessive indifference to the consequences of our actions on others is biologically tied to the teenage years (I'm working right now at a summer camp for high schoolers, and it's quite easy to imagine such a thing when surrounded by so many grade A+ jerks), but I can assure you that this is absolutely not the case.  In West Africa, it was my job to teach kids in the same age group, and they were almost universally respectful, responsible, resourceful, and motivated.  By way of specific comparison, having been back in the U.S. for two months and a few days:

•  I've seen american children argue with, insult, and ignore their parents; harass each other and random strangers; do inappropriate, offensive and inconsiderate things on a regular basis.  Young people in Burkina couldn't get away with any of things american do without a second thought - they'd be the recipient of a serious talking-to or smack from a parent or community member.

• Some of the kids we moved into the camp here came with a one-month supply of food for a one-month camp (they all have meal plans which allow them to eat twice a day in the dining hall here).  They disregard or throw away pristine or easily reparable objects, food, and office supplies.  They often take the elevator rather than walk up or down one flight of stairs.  Children in Burkina, on the other hand, make their own toys out of garbage after they're finished lugging around 20-liter jugs of water, hand-washing the family's laundry, assisting in the food preparation, and doing schoolwork (for the 20% of children lucky enough to attend school).

Seriously, we had a mishap here with the laundry room, and a few kids were left with wet clothes that they wouldn't be able to dry until the following day, and one girl broke down in tears.  She cried when confronted with the small possibility that her clothes might get slightly moldy, a problem easily remedied by a second wash.  This girl is in need of a serious reality check.  And she's fairly representative of the kids here.

Most american children grow up being treated like the center of the universe - their parents put their arbitrary wants before anything and anyone else, and resolve all of their problems for them.  I don't know why I'm surprised that american teenagers and young adults are narcissistic, entitled and unable to cope with adversity.  The West African alternative offers an extreme counter-example; the lifestyle isn't easy.  But as an alternative to the dominant western parenting philosophy, I think the results speak for themselves.

Other authors that disagree:
Aha! Parenting
The Last Psychiatrist