Erin McCubbin (second from the left) participated in formal policy debate for four in high school, and four more at the collegiate level. Three out of those four years, her partner and she competed at the NDT (think national championship for college debate). Needless to say, she is a badass. I asked her to reflect on the following question: How do you think being a woman influenced your experience as a policy debater? Her amazing story follows.
Policy debate was fast. Being raised in an ItalianYankee household taught me to speak quickly and loudly if I had an opinion. Policy debate was about the long game. The strategy and the partnership of it appealed to me. Growing up, my family read the paper together and talked about current issues at dinner. There was never a question in my mind that policy debate was the right path for me.
If you’ve ever been around me when the topic of policy debate came up, you know that I firmly believe that policy debate changed my life. Debate captivated me. It taught me that all voices need to be not just heard, but actively listened to. Debate showed me that trophies were shiny but the friendships forged through the late nights spent organizing expandos and perfecting that wellworn 2AC block never rusted. The conversations between rounds and outside of tournaments expanded my worldview in an undeniable way. Crosscountry van rides perfected my ability to sleep in any situation and inoculated me against the smell of, well, everything.
But I did not learn those things in high school policy debate. Yes, I have friendships that 15 years later are still going strong from those times. But more often than not, I have painful memories of thinking I was never good enough.
“Policy debate is a man’s world. Why don’t you try IEs (individual events)?” As a girl raised with a ‘Girls Can Do Anything’ sign in her bedroom, I could not comprehend this statement. I remember staring back at my high school debate coach, a woman in her thirties at the time. Remorse fills me as I think about the potential mentor-mentee relationship we could have shared. Instead, it was a competition from the start. Somewhere along the line, someone told her that she couldn’t cut it in the policy debate world and she listened. That choice, years later, would put me in the same pivotal conversation. Do I listen? She must be an expert since they pay her to coach, right?
Wrong. Thankfully, I didn’t listen. Instead, her confidence that I could not compete in policy debate strengthened my desire to do just that. By the end of high school, I reached Outstanding Distinction with the National Forensics League and had the opportunity to debate in college. While my high school coach tried to sabotage me along the way (in school suspension for borrowing a hairdryer on a debate trip from someone at another school comes to mind), I learned many valuable lessons. I had to manage my own time and preparation. I registered myself and my partner for debate tournaments. I learned how to pref judges and read brackets on my own. It was hard, but empowering. When new girls joined the team I mentored them instead of bullying them, regardless of which event they decided to compete in. Each time our coach told me that I couldn’t wear open toed shoes because they were distracting to the male judges or suggested that I only won a round because the college student judging thought I was attractive, I internalized it and moved on.
A coach from another local high school took me under her wing and showed me what it was like to have a coach on my side. I tried to model what she was to me to the younger girls on my team. Had it not been for her, I likely would have quit debate early on. She took my partner and I to tournaments when my coach couldn’t be bothered. She cheered me in every victory and, more importantly, in every defeat. She coached all of her debaters equally and anyone who loved the activity as much as she did was ‘one of her debaters’.
Despite never traveling out of state and limited coaching, I made it to college debate on a substantial scholarship. College debate changed everything for me. My coaches were male and part of me was scared that it would be an amplified experience of my high school debate days. After my freshman year, I was even the only female on the debate team for a year. In those years, I was more loved, supported, and challenged than I ever thought possible. Once I got into college debate it was more about the craft than anything else; everyone who does policy debate in college is there for the same reason: the love of the game.
As a woman, of course my experience was a bit different than my male counterparts. Let me first say that I had many male and female mentors in the debate community during my college days. Nine times out of ten, the conversation after rounds was about my debating: arguments that could be improved, speaking pointers, compliments on my 2AC blocks or the 5 minutes of politics in the 1NR strategy. But there are always exceptions. My first debate tournament in college, a judge approached me after a round and told me I was cute. Not that I debated well. Not that I made a really great argument or spoke exceptionally clearly, but that I was cute. I could have had that experience anywhere: a conference, a work meeting, a party, or a concert. It didn’t phase me. It didn’t even really make me mad. In fact I laughed to myself, internalized it, and moved on. See, I learned that trick well in high school.
But I never once was forced to do anything against my will, or touched inappropriately. Never again did someone tell me I didn’t belong in a debate round because of my gender. I do not recall never feeling unsafe around other coaches or debaters. Many female debaters feel that they are categorized in two ways: a bitch or easy; girls that are all work and no play or girls that are all play. At least to my face, no one forced me into those boxes. I worked hard and said ‘no’ to lots of invitations, but I also made time to nurture my friendships in the community. Did I make social choices that I regret looking back? Sure. Did I learn something from them? Absolutely. Would I have made those same bad choices in some activity other than debate? Probably. Do I blame the debate community in any way? Hell no.
In a community that is so concerned with being concerned, we are hypersensitive to things like race, sexual orientation, gender, and ethnicity. We are more educated than many of our peers and with that great power comes great responsibility. I am sure that there are other people men and women in debate who have coaching staff, teammates, or peers who make them uncomfortable. That is an injustice that demands action and attention. It just wasn’t my experience.
My injustice was more subtle, but just as damaging. To this day, when something goes my way at work or professionally, I often wonder if it is because someone thinks I’m attractive. I second guess my competence and confuse it with luck. I kick myself if I laugh too much or smile too freely with a male coworker because I worry that they will think I am flirting with them. My parents did not teach me this. And certainly neither did my friends in the debate community. My high school debate coach taught me this because, in some strange and twisted way, she was in competition with a high schooler. As women, in the debate community and in life in general, we must be kinder to one another. We must remember that when another woman succeeds it does not mean we failed.
Yes. I was participating in debate when my injustice happened. But it could have happened anywhere. Debate gave me the tools to process what happened to me. Debate showed me that there is more power in collaboration and love than there is in jealousy or selfishness. With these tools I can prevent myself from continuing the cycle and I can work to empower instead of demoralize. As a woman in a male dominated debate world, I learned skills many women struggle with. Compared to my female peers, I tend to be more vocal with my opinions because I am comfortable sharing them with anyone. I have confidence in my own ability to communicate, work with data, research, and handle tough questions. I learned these things earlier in life because of debate and because of these skills I have been able to seek out professional opportunities beyond my years.
Being a woman in debate who was bullied by another woman in a position of power changed me forever. I am slowly chipping away at my own self doubt, but in the meantime I find that I am consciously trying to be kinder and more supportive of other women in my professional life. I am aware of the potential pain of my actions may inflict and work to check my own biases wherever I can. Debate helped me process and learn from my own injustice, it did not cause it. Policy debate is not a man’s world just because there are more men in it. It is a world that belongs to every person who loves the craft. It is a world where kindness is cherished, opinions can be safely tested and crafted, and questions are encouraged. It is a world where the lessons translate into every aspect of our lives and make us better employees, spouses, and friends. It is a world that is constantly improving and will always strive to be better.
No comments:
Post a Comment